Until very recently, I considered myself a big forgiver. A couple of years ago, someone did something to me that really hurt me and eroded my sense of trust in friendship and relationship. I thought I had gotten over it and put it well past me, but recently, I’ve found that hearing the person say certain things would cause those feelings of hurt resurfacing, along with anger, bitterness and offense. Not only did I find those feelings unpleasant, but I was also ashamed of them. After all, I do take a lot of pride in how good I am of letting go of things.
So I started to think back to two years ago, around the time when the person that hurt me first hurt me, and I realized that I never confronted that person with what they had done. I was so eager to prove to myself and whoever else happened to take notice, how good I was at letting things go, that I never allowed myself to be hurt. Me refusing to confront this person with my feelings was not about being the bigger person, it was about pretending to be the bigger person, an act that was always bound to fail.
If there’s anything this experience has taught me, it is to be aware of the creative ways pride showcases itself, even at the times we’re striving to do the right thing.
I’m praying for the grace to finally let this go, and I’m trying to decide whether or not it’s ridiculous to call and say “hello, can we talk about that thing that happened two years ago?”